7. Our last week
June 30th-July 9th.
The following weeks after we learned of Davin's diagnosis seemed to drag on and fly by at the same time. We tried to live life as normal as we could, but each day we could feel the weight of having to say good bye to our little son more and more. As far as we and the doctors knew, I would have a normal pregnancy and would probably deliver around my due date, which was September 24th. At my last appointment we found out I did have one of the complications of achondrogenesis. I had developed polyhydramnios, the accumulation of more amniotic fluid than normal, which occurs in about 25% of pregnancies with achondrogenesis. At my last appointment I was just over the normal amount of fluid though, but we didn't know if it would keep increasing or stay the same.
After researching online about other people who had gone through a similar pregnancy, we found that most people had to induce earlier, around 34-36 weeks due to the complications of building up so much fluid. So we began to plan, and to talk about when would induce, if we needed to. Trying to be logical, we decided that I would most likely deliver in mid August, somewhere after 34 weeks, so that Davin's lungs would be as developed as they could be to try and give him a shot at surviving for an hour or so after he was born. We wanted to hopefully be able to meet him, even for just a short amount of time. Once we decided on the week we would induce on whatever date my OB was on call, and therefore would not have to pick the exact date. Because how can you look at a calendar and choose the exact date when your baby will be born, and then die? Even though there were perfectly logical reasons to choose a week or a day, I felt like I was giving up on him, and I was going to take away some of the only precious moments he had on this earth. On a daily basis we were reminded that soon our little baby wasn't going to be here anymore. The decision weighed so heavily on our hearts, and we both were dreading having to make official plans at our next appointment on July 11th.
As the weeks continued I began to show, past the point where total strangers feel comfortable approaching you to ask if you are pregnant and want to know all of the details of your pregnancy. That was one of the hardest parts about all of this, was having to pretend to be totally normal on the outside for everyone who didn't know. Having to answer the normal questions of when was I due, what was I having, have I got my nursery all set up. I was torn between the sadness behind the answers I had to give, but also wanting to enjoy being able to answer that my baby was a boy. I wanted to be able to celebrate my little baby, but I wasn't always quite sure how to do this. There were days where I could keep it together during the day, and finally when I got home I could let the grief of what was going to happen out with a flood of tears. Those were hard days, and they kept getting harder. I found comfort in reading my Bible, listening to old hymns and messages from my home church Eagle Brook and Elevation Church. I knew God was going to use Davin's life and his story, and so I would praise God for that. And I would pray that God would prepare a special place in heaven for my little boy. So no matter whatever was laid before me for those days, I wanted to be singing when evening came.
Though those weeks were hard, I had the 4th of July to look forward to. We were planning to spend the week at my in law's cabin in northern Wisconsin. It was going to be our last week spending all of our time as a family of three. So while I was looking forward to this week, I was also sad that it was finally here, and would be over shortly. We tried to do so many activities with little Davin that week. We went paddle boarding almost every day, we went on pontoon boat rides, wakesurfing, walks and bike rides. We spent time with family, celebrated the 4th of July with fireworks and a cook out. It was such a relaxing time, and we were able to do so many things with our little Davin. We had so much fun that week, and I am so thankful that Justin and I were able to spend so much time together with our little boy.
Pontooning with the rest of the family:
Our kayaking and paddle boarding trip down the river:
Unfortunately as the week went on I became more and more uncomfortable. I had had no issues with my pregnancy up until this point, and now I was beginning to experience what started as discomfort in my lower back and abdomen, and eventually turned into pain as the week progressed. I know now that I was starting to put on more and more amniotic fluid, which was putting pressure on my back and nerves and all kinds of other things. I started out the week before the 4th not being able to sleep on my back anymore, and slowly added symptoms of discomfort and difficulty sitting, waking up every few hours because my back and stomach were hurting, and my right leg falling asleep and feeling heavy every time I tried to walk. We didn't let this stop us this week, but it was getting harder to do all of the things I wanted to be doing.
The night before July 1st I was waking up every few hours, and finally at 4am I gave up and got up for the day. I got to spend such a special morning with Davin paddle boarding around the lake. There was a beautiful sunrise full of oranges, yellows and reds peaking through the clouds. The lake was so calm, and reflected the sunrise like a mirror, making it look like I was paddling through the clouds. There was no one else out that morning as the sun rose, and I got to spend over 2 hours alone with my little Davin. I sang to him, I talked to him. I told him how sorry I was that he was having to go through all of this. I told him how excited I was to meet him and to hold him, and that I was so sorry that I wouldn't be able to do that for very long. Even though I was tired, I was so thankful that I had that morning to spend in the quiet with him.
On Thursday, July 6th Justin and I spent the day paddle boarding down a 13 mile stretch of river near his parent's cabin. It was such a beautiful, sunny day. We had packed a lunch, and leisurely made our way down the river. We saw eagles, deer and muskrats, and fish swimming beneath our boards. We tried for a little while to pretend everything was normal, and just enjoy our time as a family. We also spent some of the time talking about what we were supposed to decide on Tuesday with our OB. We talked about how we wanted Davin's birth to go, who we wanted at the hospital with us, and how the few days at the hospital would be. We made plans, and talked about almost every aspect we could think of. We felt at peace with our decisions, but also felt the weight of having to make them. We were going to have to say good bye to our little boy soon, and we weren't ready to do that.
The last few miles of the river were quite a bit more difficult than the first portion as we started paddling into the wind. I was exhausted, and I was beginning to hurt more and more in my lower back. I convinced myself that I had just over done it that day, and that I was just out of shape. On the way home in the car I tried sitting and laying in ever position to get comfortable, and found that if I played basically in child's pose in the back seat it didn't hurt so bad. So Justin drove me back to the cabin, and once we got there I hopped in the shower. The hot water against my back actually felt really good, and I started to feel better. I found a bag of minute rice to heat up and use as a hot pack on my lower back, thinking that it might help me actually sleep through the night that night. Unfortunately that wasn't what happened. Although I felt pretty good during the evening, after falling asleep that night I began to wake up about every half hour. I tried tylenol, heating up my makeshift heating pad, sitting up, walking around, and every possible position to lay in that I could think of. I had scrounged up every single pillow I could and had basically built myself a fort to sleep in. After sitting up and adjusting my position a bit I was able to fall asleep for another 20-30 minutes or so before I woke up again. I still at this point didn't want to admit to myself what was going on, because this was not how I had planned my little Davin's birth. I was going to wait it out, make it to my appointment on Tuesday and we could go from there. Davin wasn't going to be born at a small hospital in the middle of nowhere Wisconsin. He was going to be born mid August, with my OB delivering him, in the big hospital right by our house. We had a plan, and that's how it was going to go. So I rationalized my pain as typical pregnancy pains, and tried to go back to sleep.